Having courage does not mean that we are unafraid. Having courage and showing courage means we face our fears. We are able to say, “I have fallen, but I will get up.
“People with eating disorders are just selfish.”
Whelp I’m on meds now
That’s probably for the best
We all get more than enough shit from the outside world for what we like, how we look, etc. I’m just saying it’d be nice if we didn’t do it to each other.
All I’m saying is this feels really correct
I can’t exactly describe how I feel but it’s not quite right. And it leaves me cold.
I should mention, though, that when I’m alone in my apartment listening to soothing music and reading, I feel pretty okay. I even ate a reasonable amount of food this morning, despite having some pretty serious guilt over it. (That’s better than I’ve been doing, so I’m happy with it.)
I should withdraw from social interaction more often, and bring some things I don’t hate doing with me. I should read more often. I should feel less guilty about liking the music I like listening to, or reading books I like reading, or watching ‘bad’ television, etc., because if it makes my eating disorder even a little bit less obvious and painful, it must be good. I should stop qualifying the things that make me feel better with “this is stupid/this is embarrassing/I know you don’t like this/you’re going to laugh BUT —.”
Before: “This is so fucking embarrassing but listening to Tegan and Sara makes me feel infinitely better sometimes. But don’t worry, Paul Simon also helps, and so does Kaki King, and so does Girlyman, so my taste in music isn’t ACTUALLY bad.”
Reason why that’s a problem: I shouldn’t have to justify it to you if it makes me feel better and/or behave in a healthier (read: less disordered) way. Also, in that particular example, all of those artists’ work affects me in very different ways, so it’s not even a good comparison.
After: “I like Tegan and Sara.” (Note: if the response is “really? ::sneer::” an appropriate counter is “fuck u and yr judgment.”)
Sometimes I have these ridiculous thoughts about completely reinventing my whole life and wrenching myself out of all of my social networks because it would make me better and saner and healthier…and then I remember that I have an eating disorder have no real concept of better, saner, or healthier, beyond the fact that the tornado in a teacup that constitutes my brain is probably completely wrong about what better, saner, or healthier looks like.
I think that’s progress? It feels like regressing, but I know that that kind of realization is probably good for something.
I don’t know. I’ve been really distant and sullen for the past several weeks; I’ve only been connecting with people on a surface level, which works for now, but is probably not going to work out in the long run. I keep wondering if this is going to be forever or if it’s just early recovery kicking my ass. I think I’m still processing the fact that I’ve been way deeper into relapse than I realized for, like, the past six months.
Oops. Sorry I don’t have the capacity to actually be sorry right now.